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Entry 4

Posted on 2006.02.15 at 21:43
6 am.

Just sent an email to Giles - damn good thing I didn't send the first one, as he might have assumed I'd become suddenly illiterate. Not that the distraction wasn't pleasant - hm.

I'm finding a balance. I think we all are, though I'm not sure I'm ready to commit what I hope to paper. Angel's certainty about things is occasionally mind-bogglingly straightforward, but it really isn't my style.

And God alone knows what Spike ever thinks, deep down.

It's a start. A tipping of the scales upwards towards equilibrium. All I know is I'm damned well not going to relinquish it.

Equilibrium...now that is something to think about. Angel thinks he may have a lead on where Gunn took the contracts, but I'm a bit more disturbed about some other things that came up in conversation. I'm not sure I like the idea of Spike having read the stories out of one of the books of legends to Drusilla, and I'm most disconcerted by what she seemed to make of them.

I should have been taking notes, I suppose, but the situation was - bizarre. We're heading for Paris, as soon as I hear from Giles, Angel seems to have stored some scrolls and a diary which (to quote Spike) they 'got off some old bookseller we killed' - apparently belonging to an old Roman. Spike seems to have turned whatever he read in those papers into fairytales for Drusilla.

Damn it, when will people learn that legends are dangerous? It's like transcribing magic into a playtime hour for children - and I can't imagine a better way of warping the messages contained.

More unnervingly, I'm starting to think that with all of her talking to the stars, Drusilla hit on something closer to the truth than anything I've found so far in the books. Saying she had Cassandra's eyes...for some reason, the thought makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I'm hoping to God the bloody woman was talking about the gift of prophecy, but I have a nasty crawling suspicion it isn't that at all...

And quite frankly, her version of the Apocrypha terrifies me.

On a lighter note, I think I have a perfect reason not to immerse myself in the text again this morning. And I don't want to be thought of as the one who left this time around. I just - need to write things down. I don't want to become so absorbed again that I fall into error.

It would be nice if - well. It was nice when I had people I could talk to before, who could pull me out of insomniac obsession with something I can't quite grasp.

If I don't allow myself to trust this time, I really am past help.

It's simply - something Spike said keeps ringing in my head, and I can't shake it enough to sleep as deeply as I need.

"She said lightning took away their lives and gave them swords instead."

Why can't I put my finger on what that's making me not-quite remember?

Right. Back to bed. I will not start some crazed assumption that I can fix this by myself. At least I can learn from past mistakes...


(Anonymous) at 2011-01-18 09:51 (UTC) (Link)

provides access

Nice one, might come in handy in the near future
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